The worst 2 1/2 words, ever heard ever, are "I'm hungry". This is either coming from the mouth of a 3, 1, or 34 year old. As for the first 2 categories, they were fed 3 minutes ago, and as for the last, if he'd open the fridge, he'd find a horn of plenty to heat in the microwave for 30 seconds. Can not either of these three parties form some alliance, to eat three times of day, at the same time? There comes a time, if not every other day, but daily, when I say "F*** it to hell, Kitchen, my second lover, I am sorry to abandon you". And, so I must, leave my second lover, in a mess of sauce, soymilk, salsa, and spaghetti, in an attempt to maintain some failed attempt at sanity.
If it is not these 2 1/2 words, that I fear, it is those that say "I'm wet". It is hard to tell if this ranks number 1 or 2, yet the caveat is, since this happens a bit less often than the previous grievance, I look at it as being second. Waking up, slightly warm, yet slightly cold, and unsure of the cause, is a real bitch. Your upper thigh region is wet, yet cold, but sometimes warm, and you are left to wonder.... why??? What happened? Am I warm or cold? And as you open your eyes, you see a small child, and realize you are neither warm nor cold, just soaked in piss.
So, both of these circumstances, leave me in a conundrum. Which is worse? Regardless of the answer, it doesn't really solve anything.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010
I read something today:
"According to the Shinto calendar 2010 is a year of growth. A year that all your hard work in 2009 begins to sprout. Think of all the seeds you have been sowing and keep watering them with your creativity, thoughts, and focus."
It made me feel hopeful, and I told all of those that I love and care about, that could comprehend. Last night, my husband asked me if I had any resolutions.... as usual, and last years post may I submit as evidence, I answered no. I don't believe in them. It is a sure way to enter disappointment and backfire. However, upon reading this, I found hope. I did not find reason to make any resolutions. Never have I had a New Year's revolution, as the song says, according to my fifth grade music teacher. As I entered the year this morning, I felt tired, exhausted, and upset..... pretty close to how I exited the year of 2009. I read this and felt optimistic, a strange feeling. Have not all I have attempted, strived for, and failed, NOT gone to the wayside? I don't believe in much, but this made me believe in me. As a mom, wife, stepmom, doula, student, hopeful grad student....among many other aspirations. And so with this, I will now start off the year of 2010, one I thought never achievable, or a realization of my dreams, until now. It is here. I did not see the "ball drop". I did not spend the newfound year's eve, surrounded by drinks, family, and friends. It was an unusual New Year's Eve, previewed by an unusual Christmas. And so with the wisdom of the Shinto belief, I take that I am to pursue what I have been dreaming about, during this past year. I told this to my 8 year old, and followed it with an example, and she too, believed in these words, and felt it comforting and encouraging. So, to a new year. A time to finish what I have been too scared to do and complete. My feelings right now are, I am all yours, 2010. I have a lot to offer, and right now, I am ready. Please don't deny me.
"According to the Shinto calendar 2010 is a year of growth. A year that all your hard work in 2009 begins to sprout. Think of all the seeds you have been sowing and keep watering them with your creativity, thoughts, and focus."
It made me feel hopeful, and I told all of those that I love and care about, that could comprehend. Last night, my husband asked me if I had any resolutions.... as usual, and last years post may I submit as evidence, I answered no. I don't believe in them. It is a sure way to enter disappointment and backfire. However, upon reading this, I found hope. I did not find reason to make any resolutions. Never have I had a New Year's revolution, as the song says, according to my fifth grade music teacher. As I entered the year this morning, I felt tired, exhausted, and upset..... pretty close to how I exited the year of 2009. I read this and felt optimistic, a strange feeling. Have not all I have attempted, strived for, and failed, NOT gone to the wayside? I don't believe in much, but this made me believe in me. As a mom, wife, stepmom, doula, student, hopeful grad student....among many other aspirations. And so with this, I will now start off the year of 2010, one I thought never achievable, or a realization of my dreams, until now. It is here. I did not see the "ball drop". I did not spend the newfound year's eve, surrounded by drinks, family, and friends. It was an unusual New Year's Eve, previewed by an unusual Christmas. And so with the wisdom of the Shinto belief, I take that I am to pursue what I have been dreaming about, during this past year. I told this to my 8 year old, and followed it with an example, and she too, believed in these words, and felt it comforting and encouraging. So, to a new year. A time to finish what I have been too scared to do and complete. My feelings right now are, I am all yours, 2010. I have a lot to offer, and right now, I am ready. Please don't deny me.
Friday, December 11, 2009
a quote....
that inspired my passion and love, for doula-ing...
"I've heard doulas described as sherpas in birth. When you're in a foreign country, you need a guide who speaks the language, understands the local customs, and helps you get where you want to go. So it is in labor, we need guides who know the crazy, (seemingly foreign) hospital system and can help women navigate toward where they want to be as they become new moms."
From this NPR interview... http://www.radioboston.org/stories/2009/12/11/live-chat-childbirth/
"I've heard doulas described as sherpas in birth. When you're in a foreign country, you need a guide who speaks the language, understands the local customs, and helps you get where you want to go. So it is in labor, we need guides who know the crazy, (seemingly foreign) hospital system and can help women navigate toward where they want to be as they become new moms."
From this NPR interview... http://www.radioboston.org/stories/2009/12/11/live-chat-childbirth/
Racing Thoughts
I have been sitting at my computer all morning, googling and reading..... what do I want to do first? My list of "What I Want to be When I Grow Up" is forever expanding. Student? Doula? Surrogate mother? Researcher? Writer? Lactation Consultant? Rich house wife? What do I want to do first? How can I effectively prioritize this? They all seem so distant and unattainable. How and where do I start? They have so many self help books out there, where is the one to self help me? There is no one picture that pops into my head when I envision me in the future... it's like an old movie, where the film gets stuck on the projector, and then the next few flip along quickly. I feel so stuck and not in control. Not that I am out of control, just not in. I'm 25, have all of my children, and yet I feel I won't have enough time to fulfill my every dream. Most of my friends are just now getting married, and most are kid free. I'm 5 years ahead of them. right? So, why am I so scared? I peruse, and just dream. Sometimes I wish I were a piece in a board game, left to chance and the draw of a card, or the throw of the dice.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Saturday, August 4, 2007
And so again.
And so another time in my life comes, a chance for me to be in happiness beyond belief....yet I can't. I am pregnant. However, I only found out because I caved in and went to the doctor because of the amount of pain I was in. And? Results? It could be ectopic. I have been prodded and poked for the past 3 days with still no answer. And so do I let myself become excited for this amazingly wonderful thing? To have my face slammed down on a bunch of bricks three stories below me? It is the suckiest feeling not to be able to be excited. To have to wait on the dreaming and wondering and planning of what will become of this little creature inside of me. AAHHH!!! It makes me want to scream!
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