Again?!?

It's so ridiculous how many posts that I have saved because I am awaiting for the perfect pictures to complete my words...  And, yet tonight, I have another, however, (how many freakin' commas can I use!!!) post that will probably not make sense to most...  And, many may not agree.

My favorite Aunt died when I was in high school.  She committed suicide.  She shot her self in the head.  I swear she haunted my bedroom for years, to the point that I could not sleep without my bedroom light on.  As ironic as it may sound, and as shitty as I may portray one of the best men on this planet-my twin brother-I could not sleep without the loud music of the now terrible Dashboard Confessional's Chris Carraba's "Sleep With All The Lights On".

I more than hate that I happen to be the Ultimate Bearer of Bad News to my husband.  It was just 9 months ago I read on facebook his first sweetheart died, and then I have to go ahead and tell him shitty news again.  (Not so funny thing is...) I say "Oh my..."  Nora says  "What??" And then I have to say "I think I may have to tell Daddy something bad... I'm not sure yet"...  Well, I did.  And, yeah, it sucked.  The bad news I had to present last summer rolled itself over to today when I had to tell him the last "bad" news I told him was that the last bad news (his first sweetheart, FYI)'s mother died.  Blah.   Barf.   And a much needed what the four-letter-word.

I am so sick of death and dying, and more than sick of being the wife of bad news.... I mean, really???  WTF?!?  It made my brain spill in too many directions.

But, mostly please, can I get a break from having to be the one to tell my husband some really crappy info?!?   And, then, it turned into more... which I may or may not share.....

My highs and lows

So much of the time I feel overwhelmed, in nearly every capacity.  But, when it all comes down to it, it is my family and my passions that occupies me.  The state of my life, currently only allows me to pursue one heart wrenching passion, and that is doulaing (second to my girls and boy).  My family will, does, and will always come first.  My two youngest daughters met a client of mine a month or so back.  I happened to be driving by, and saw this Mama outside, so I swung in without thought, to say hello.  Claire and Nora know "I go to work", yet imagine how hard it is to explain to a (new!!!) 5 year old and an almost 3 year old, that you have to leave at strange hours of the night to go help a mom have a baby.  That is the best that I have been able to come up with for Claire and Nora, to understand why I have to leave suddenly at times, and for looooong stretches.  This encounter, however, opened Claire's eyes to what I do.  Claire understood I had to "help a mom have a baby", and then seeing that baby shortly after, (hopefully) helped.  I think she internalized my role to these families.  Now, she often asks about "my" babies and "my" mommies...  Being a doula is very demanding in every sense.  I am at the edge of my seat when I get a "I might be in labor, but I don't really know" text.  I can't sleep.  I can't do anything but run my mouth to my poor husband, who, lucky for me, even if it is an act, takes it all in. 

I cherish my children, take pride in the fact that they can be a part of birth at such a young age, and am more than grateful to those families that let me walk in, during the most intimate of times.  And, I thank my husband for his support, that I can't even say it is full because it is so far beyond that.  Allowing me to follow my (second love). 

Why Christmas can suck...

So, today has been a whirlwind.  I mean, it is Christmas Eve, after all... surprised??  We malled it, new grocery stored it, regular grocery stored it, and movied it.  (Wrapping has yet to commence, to our unfortunate dismay...).  We Nordic Santa'd it tonight.  Cookies and carrots are out tonight.  Guess how many gifts are wrapped?  Yeah, that'd be zilch.  And, it is 25 (min) before the hour as I type this, with youngest tot on tit, tapping her foot to Pandora Christmas music.... hmmmm.... 

But, as my title introduces... what sucks is missing your family for what, as a Mom, you have planned traditions since you owned your own baby doll.  So, hearing your "youngest step" baby on the phone upset... well, it sucks.  It ruined Nordic, wrapping, and my spirit.  All that it helped was my beer intake, and confirmation that wrapping would proceed sans husband. 

I have much to look forward to, and I know that.

So, the Merriest of Christmasas to you all, and Happy Holidays! 

Really....

How many sympathy posts can I make?!?  And yet, one gut buster brings all of the rest to surface.  I really, honestly, truly believe that I do the best that I can... There is no bone in my body that says perfection, so please understand that...   and if you have read any previous posts, all of me is usually for others, before myself and family.  Will I ever learn?  Will I ever find my niche or belonging??  I am at the point where shutting down my heart seems like the best viable option for me...    How do you get through struggles with friendship, life, children, taking all of those things out on your husband, and then being able to succeed in the end?  Is it okay to claim a fault of just being too open and trusting... or does that just make me dumb?

My Family Necklace

A post well overdue, but such is life!  A few months back, I was reading one of my most absolutely favorite blogs, Enjoying the Small Things by Kelle Hampton.  Not only is her writing and photography simply breathtaking, so are her little girls.  If you're not already on her bandwagon, I suggest you hop to it!  At any rate, she was showing off some gorgeous jewelery she scored from Bel Kai Designs, and I knew I had to have a piece.  Whitney's work is amazing, how could you not want every one of her magnificent, handcrafted masterpieces??

How perfectly vintage are these customized petite silhouettes?  

Of course we all know that THIS caught my eye right off the bat!  As she says, perfect for any doula!

To a classic lotus necklace.  Who would not love this adorning their neck?

Or better yet, raise awareness and help fight ovarian cancer when you buy this necklace.  There are a few purty treasures in her shop in which she'll donate a portion of the proceeds to a great cause, and this is one of them.  Purchase this, and 25% will go to Word On Cancer... How rockin' is that?

There is a perfect and affordable gift for everyone, and she does not disappoint!  After (well, I won't admit the amount of time I spent mulling over her shop)-I knew I had created the perfect piece of jewelery to compliment my perfect little family.  The wait was agony... I am a natural mailbox stalker, anyways, but knowing I had a special little treat coming my way, wrapped up in a box made perfectly to compliment the surprise inside, made the wait for that little white car?  truck? vehicle? to stop in front of my doorstep, even harder.

Voila!

(and my camera does not do it justice!)

Hop on over to her blog and like her facebook page, so you can stay up to date one what treasures she unfolds.

One day...

This song, and I have looked at the lyrics, which make no sense to compare how I feel when I listen to this song.

This amazing song....

I googled the lyrics.  They don't say what I hear.  What I hear is that I am focusing on my future...  Not the now.  Not the girls.  Not our dog.  Not what is important.  Jeff and I have focused on the future so much.  We have been missing the rapture this whole time... incomplete.  One day I'll be at peace and enlightened.  I am already married with children... I am not here, however.  I have been running...  It is time for me to stop.  Stop and admire what I have, because soon it will be gone, and I will miss it.  Because, I am too focused on the future... I am running far too fast for the future and my finish line.  I am missing out on the now, too concentrated on the future.  

rapture |ˈrap ch ər|noun1 a feeling of intense pleasure or joy

I am missing on my NOW rapture... too intertwined with my future joy, and that is not what matters to me the most, at the end of my day.  It is time for me to refocus.  My family.  My baseline rapture.

The color PURPLE...

I hate that I am a thinker sometimes... Once I think about something, it as though I have already written it down, and it clears my mind. Good for the everyday, however, not so good for the "what I want to remember". Today marks the day, or rather, the TENTH year.... of when a little girl, a sister, passed away. Katelyn. Katelyn Joyce Harper. I donned my purple today. My butterflies. I would post photos of what I wore... my purple bridesmaids necklace and bracelet, along with my hair all tied up, as usual-I'm a mommy :) But, I thought of this amazing butterfly piece, that I have never thought to add to my hair... It came in my bouquet at the most amazing wedding ever. Yet, my photos are downloaded on a bi-quarterly basis, at best (damn DSL with super memory!).

And, so, as with every 11/16... my brain fires a billion memories...Memories I wish I had captured, yet, I only have so many.

Another fire off memory, that I cannot remove... well, there are more than one.  Katelyn left this world on November 16th.  A precious life entered this world on that same date.  My first doula client had her baby on February 14th, the date of Katelyn's birth.  And, the precious life that was given to a sweet family on a November the 16th, also had a little 6 week old baby who lost his life on the birth date of my daughter - March 23rd.  All of these numbers bring me connections...

The purpose of this post was to help me, and maybe share with others, the love I have always had for this person....  Purple is the color I represent for her honor.  It was her favorite.  Her room adorned in purple, along with the paint pen letters and notes of her friends and family.  So, here is my purplesness, for now...

"Purple is the color of good judgment. It is the color of people seeking spiritual fulfillment. It is said if you surround yourself with purple you will have peace of mind. Purple is a good color to use in meditation.  Purple has been used to symbolize magic and mystery, as well as royalty. Being the combination of red and blue, the warmest and coolest colors, purple is believed to be the ideal color."

I think that compliments KJH quite well, no??  Spiritual fulfillment?  Peace of mind?

It was Katelyn, the ten years it has been, what drove me to FSU for their child life specialty program.  She has driven me to many more heights...  I know, that she knows... 

My love for her each and every day, yet especially this one, goes out to my Kate, and my best friend.  Ashley.  I thank you for changing my life... again, as you have always done for me.  It has been my utmost of pleasures, to be with Katelyn.  Masquerade Balls.  Homecoming.  Halloween,  Slumber parties.  Cinderella, hello, times a million!??!  Leotard showers.  Absurd pancakes.  Amazing love.  Amazing friendship.  Amazing life.

And, so for now... I leave you with questioning life.  Who do you have and who are there?  What makes your gears spin?  For me, today, along with many, it is her.  Katelyn.  Joyce.  Harper.  And, P.S., if a certain BFF is pregnant with a girl, I thought tonight, how beautiful Harper would be for a name...

xoxo