And so again.

And so another time in my life comes, a chance for me to be in happiness beyond belief....yet I can't. I am pregnant. However, I only found out because I caved in and went to the doctor because of the amount of pain I was in. And? Results? It could be ectopic. I have been prodded and poked for the past 3 days with still no answer. And so do I let myself become excited for this amazingly wonderful thing? To have my face slammed down on a bunch of bricks three stories below me? It is the suckiest feeling not to be able to be excited. To have to wait on the dreaming and wondering and planning of what will become of this little creature inside of me. AAHHH!!! It makes me want to scream!

Someone asked me how I was today, and my response was, "I've been better". I began to think of a time that was like the best moment of my life. I don't have one. I am 23 years old and there isn't a moment that sticks out as being completely amazing. I never got an acceptance letter to this great school, or the perfect job. After Claire was born, I couldn't even hold her because I was so ill from all these drugs everyone thought I needed, so that certainly was a moment that made me feel amazing. I didn't wear the perfect dress at my wedding. I wasn't class president. I've never even had a birthday or holiday worth sticking out in my mind. I've never had a first car. This isn't to say I don't love being married to Jeff, or that becoming a mother isn't the best thing in the entire planet that has ever happened to anyone. Nor do I wish for material things or some bull shit title. Just a rambling of thoughts. I guess when that moment does come, I won't have anything remotely close to compare how I feel then, to a feeling I have felt before, so it will be even greater to me than it would to another.

What more can one say...

Each day I am amazed by my daughter. I think I have an obsession with her. I think she is the coolest person on the planet. Jeff and I have switched our work schedules around so we don't have to send her to daycare anymore. I am desperately wanting to go back to school. I love the summer. I hate Tallahassee. I miss the beach and my friends. Hoping for some big changes soon.

Summer Goals:
Go out of town more
Save Money
Start Dancing
Research Schools

Happy Birthday Claire

It is hard to believe a whole year (and a few days now...) has gone by with my daughter... One year of making her be the best person she can be... The hardest, yet easiest, most rewarding and exciting thing I could ever have imagined. I love her.

A Post

I have always been a writer... that is what I wanted to be when I grew up if I didn't make it in ballet. My husband always tells me I should write for something somewhere. I would love that, but I don't think many people agree w/ me, and so my thoughts would never get read.

Claire will be one year old in 5 short days. Where did the time go? It is hard to remember when she could not hold her head up, crawl, talk.... now she is a chatterbox and is walking. She is the most beautiful thing in this entire world. I am so proud of her. I finally feel like I am good at something, and that there is someone who truely needs me in this world.

I set out into the real world this week. 40 hrs/wk job as a manager at Banana Republic. While it is not what my heart wants to do for the rest of my life, it is exciting. To finally not worry about bills, to be able to buy my girls things. Perhaps a new car. Life is looking up.