Friday, December 11, 2009

Racing Thoughts

I have been sitting at my computer all morning, googling and reading..... what do I want to do first? My list of "What I Want to be When I Grow Up" is forever expanding. Student? Doula? Surrogate mother? Researcher? Writer? Lactation Consultant? Rich house wife? What do I want to do first? How can I effectively prioritize this? They all seem so distant and unattainable. How and where do I start? They have so many self help books out there, where is the one to self help me? There is no one picture that pops into my head when I envision me in the future... it's like an old movie, where the film gets stuck on the projector, and then the next few flip along quickly. I feel so stuck and not in control. Not that I am out of control, just not in. I'm 25, have all of my children, and yet I feel I won't have enough time to fulfill my every dream. Most of my friends are just now getting married, and most are kid free. I'm 5 years ahead of them. right? So, why am I so scared? I peruse, and just dream. Sometimes I wish I were a piece in a board game, left to chance and the draw of a card, or the throw of the dice.

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