I read something today:
"According to the Shinto calendar 2010 is a year of growth. A year that all your hard work in 2009 begins to sprout. Think of all the seeds you have been sowing and keep watering them with your creativity, thoughts, and focus."
It made me feel hopeful, and I told all of those that I love and care about, that could comprehend. Last night, my husband asked me if I had any resolutions.... as usual, and last years post may I submit as evidence, I answered no. I don't believe in them. It is a sure way to enter disappointment and backfire. However, upon reading this, I found hope. I did not find reason to make any resolutions. Never have I had a New Year's revolution, as the song says, according to my fifth grade music teacher. As I entered the year this morning, I felt tired, exhausted, and upset..... pretty close to how I exited the year of 2009. I read this and felt optimistic, a strange feeling. Have not all I have attempted, strived for, and failed, NOT gone to the wayside? I don't believe in much, but this made me believe in me. As a mom, wife, stepmom, doula, student, hopeful grad student....among many other aspirations. And so with this, I will now start off the year of 2010, one I thought never achievable, or a realization of my dreams, until now. It is here. I did not see the "ball drop". I did not spend the newfound year's eve, surrounded by drinks, family, and friends. It was an unusual New Year's Eve, previewed by an unusual Christmas. And so with the wisdom of the Shinto belief, I take that I am to pursue what I have been dreaming about, during this past year. I told this to my 8 year old, and followed it with an example, and she too, believed in these words, and felt it comforting and encouraging. So, to a new year. A time to finish what I have been too scared to do and complete. My feelings right now are, I am all yours, 2010. I have a lot to offer, and right now, I am ready. Please don't deny me.