Well Jimminy "holiday"...

Boy, has it been an upper/downer kind of day.  I have been fixating on a certain event for the past few days.  Something of which I could not physically be a part.  Something of which I wonder if I ever was a part of in all aspects of being.  Something that I believe has altered my mood, in only a way such a thing of this proportion, emotionally,  can do, without my realization.  I sit and cry...  silently.  Hidden, to the best of my capability.  I kind of wish I wouldn't succeed in my ability to hide this, but, to my avail, I do a damn good job.  I have been trying to place blame on my emotions to be other than what they are.  What I know it is.  In the end, I am not all that great at hiding things from myself.

Where is mine?

My daughters, shockingly, are all in one bed.  No, not asleep, just entranced in a movie.  Brother Bear to be exact.  I pick up my book, and begin to read.  (While I cannot link the book as the website is down, or maybe my internet sucks,  or perhaps it was just not meant to be... Eat Pray Love). Well, I re-read, because I don't recall the last few pages as I would have liked to.  I am in India, now.  This is where I thought I would have had to hurdle an obstacle.  I am not particularly religious.  I really believe in nothing.  There is a Six Feet Under episode that embodies my thoughts on death.  How I envision the death of myself or of my husband...  Nature going back to nature.  The End.  This book has given me a perspective on life I have never thought of or imagined.  I'm not claiming "Born Again!!"...  However, she says in the first few pages of India, there is a Guru for everyone.  Where is mine?  Is he/she right in front of my face?  Did I miss her/him?  Can I just call out, "Guru, I am ready!!"?

Life is a funny, fickle thing...  I have come across many great people, some of which are moving on, and leave me afraid that I will loose them forever...  Then I look to the bottom of my boat.  I move on to someone who stumbled into my life, unexpectedly... and revel at how amazing that "chance", "fate", perhaps "random occurrence", has impacted me in such a short time of my life. 

I read and dream to write...  I read blogs that inspire,  I read blogs that catch me happily by surprise, and then listen to music that makes me love and appreciate life....  Maybe I have already met my Guru.  Maybe he is him - the one that I open my eyes to each morning.  Or the one I call after months of not speaking to, nervous of our conversation.  Those that I think of daily, that may not even think of me at all?

From the Heart

I mean, no surprise... all my posts come from the heart.  I suppose the difference here is that  I have 3 blog posts saved, ready to be completed and posted, but I chose those topics to defer my heart from it's true feelings.  That is why I could not publish them.  I assume, at some point, they will.... they still are my thoughts.  However, they were written as a distraction from my true, honest, open thoughts.  Every heart, the red construction paper heart, is different from all others.  I have had a hard time being able to see my red paper heart lately.  It isn't perfect right now.  It has rough edges.  Perhaps even holes cut out of it.  Maybe it isn't even red right now.  Those rough edges and holes, have a lot to do with my uncertainty of what it looks like right now.  I have had a hurricane, earthquake, tsunami, flood of emotions lately, and I am not sure where to categorize and place them.  They don't fit in my "schematic" reason of thoughts and emotions.  I feel loss.  I feel upset.  I feel sad.  I feel depressed.  I feel like a Queen.  I feel like a provider.  I feel like a back bone.  And I feel forgotten.  I feel second.  Quite a lot to deal with....  And for me, it is hard not knowing how to compartmentalize all of these feelings, which only scrape the ice.  I hope that soon, they will make it to their appropriate cubbies and boxes on their own, or at least, without much effort on my part.....

How and Why

Wednesday night, I was perusing my phone... late night as always. I opened my facebook and the first status update I read, was Top 5 most horrible news I have ever received. I never met this person, but I heard many great things... I facebooked with her... was supposed to meet her last summer, and plans fell through. I was so excited to meet her. I turned to my husband, who I was sitting right next to.. my mouth agape. He looked at me with funny eyes and a funny face. He knew there was something I had to tell him. "I have really bad news, honey." "What?" "Someone died." He immediately thought of his sick father, elderly grandparents.... you know, those that are supposed to die before you, no matter how much you want to punch the cycle of life in the face. But it wasn't. It was a 33 year old girl. His first girlfriend. His first everything. She was a pedestrian crossing a road, and hit by a van, at 8:40 in the morning, on the way to the bank. In broad daylight. A pedestrian.

I can't for the love of God figure out how to post an image on here...

My husband spent seven years of his life with her. High school, college, moving to be wherever she was during her successful fashion career in New York City. And in a split second, a precious life was taken away.
I have dealt with pain and loss before, but this time it is different. It is "uncopeable". I am so saddened with this news, and then look into the love of my life's eyes, and I feel his pain, too.
I have tried to be a backbone, a support, a counselor, a friend, and of course a wife. And when he falls asleep at night-I lose it. It becomes my time to be weak. To be sad. To be upset. I never even met her, but I know her. I know stories. I know photos. I know her. The lump in my throat never goes away. I don't understand. My dearest friend Ashley has been through so much in her life with this, and I have so much.... speechless... Love. Respect. Admiration. Courage. For her...
When will this end? When will the tears stop? I just wish... and think... what if? What if??

Donations for her arrangements, which are being set up with Jeff, myself, and her good friend Neevy, can be sent via Paypal to JillDavisMemorial@gmail.com

One of the most amazing days of my life...

Yesterday, I was blessed to co-host an amazing event with my dear friend Victoria. The Tallahassee SIDS Stomp. A friend of ours lost their 6 week little boy to SIDS. By definition, the unexpected sudden death of a child under the age of one, in which an autopsy does not have any way to explain this death. While there are speculations, precautions, and research suggesting what to do and what not to do, there is no answer, no cure, no guaranteed prevention. The Richardson family has been so strong through this, and maybe because I have very little emotional regulation, and cry without warning or control, I have had to be hugged and loved on from the parents who lost their child. I tear up about this as I write. I have made life long friends in this process, have been inspired, and have helped to raise money to donate to the SIDS Institute, so that we may become closer to finding a reason.... finding a cure.

I will post again, with personal pictures, and the dollar amount raised for the SIDS Institute. I am so happy to have been a part of this, and thank each and every one of you who came out, volunteered, donated, and the list is endless. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Milestones...

As a parent, I am always so ecstatic when my daughter's reach goals, achievements, and benchmarks in their little developing lives. Watching their face light up when they realize they understand a concept, learn a phrase, or simply uttered a sound that I KNOW was definitely "Mommy".
The other day, Nora and I were walking down the stairs, and she was counting...each...step.... 1, 2, 3, .... and made it all the way to 10, correctly! Which was then followed by 12, so I spoke along with her, to (one of my favorite words) scaffold (not a verb, but I use it as such) her... To help her build little bricks and steps, so that she can reach the top, with just my encouraging words. It isn't always words that I use when scaffolding. It could be helping them to manipulate the playground once or twice, til their confidence is there, and they have complete mastery over the obstacle. There is a certain picture that comes to mind, which I cannot seem to locate on the infinite worldwideweb, of men building the Empire State Building, and how they scaffolded their way 102 stories high, to complete this iconic masterpiece, 80 something years ago. This is the closest stockphoto I could find, and I think it does an okay job to share my mental image.


So, I am not constructing a world renowned skyscraper, but perhaps a world renowned person, if so be it :)
At any rate, while I can accept those milestones with utter joy and elation, it is the times when I realize I have to step back and in a way, let go, for them to grow and learn, that I just don't want to. They are my treasure. My life. Mine. It is selfish, but I'm not always ready or willing to give in and hand over freedom. (The sad part about this post is that it stemmed from my youngest daughter attending preschool for the first time today. What in the heck am I going to do when they turn 16 and demand far more entitlement and independence than me taking them to preschool?)
I am excited and happy for her to be in a place, where she will have the benefits of things I cannot offer, which will enable and empower her to be a strong, and social individual. Example: I am one that is all for painting, however, my threshold on paint clean up, certainly is not something I can commit to everyday. Nor do I have, or again, am I will to have, 4 other 2 year olds, and 6 or so other 4 year olds in my house at one time, for my daughter's to develop social interactions and relationships.
There is a quote I have written down, that keeps popping up, interfering with my words at times, and so I think I will leave you with that...
"Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -E. Stone

My Beautiful Family

I am so lucky to have such a beautiful family. It is moments like these, that make the juice spills, temper tantrums, and bed time fights, okay.